well, here it is, here is what i have been thinking lately. i have become convinced that i am going to die. obviously, you might think, we are all going to die one day. but i was sick a couple of weeks ago, really sick, and since i am never a good patient to begin with and this sickness was something i had never had before, i kind of lost it. truthfully, for some reason i have been thinking about death a lot this summer, and how much it absolutely petrifies me. i was never really afraid of it before, perhaps because i was never truly contemplating what it meant, and now, now i am terrified. i have become terrified of everything. every pain is a death pang, every possibility is obviously going to turn into the worst-case scenario. i am in bad shape, although, the fact that i am writing this means (hopefully) that i am on the way to getting better. i am normally an anxious person, but not so much that it controls my life. i do check and double check locks, worry excessively about my relationship, and get stressed out generally. but now, it has started to interfere with my life on a daily basis and i am so fucking sick of feeling this way. i don't know how it got to this point, but it did and i have cried every day for the past three weeks. i can't sleep and that makes me even more anxious, because for my entire life sleep has been my refuge, and it has been taken away. oh, i sleep, but now it's sort of half-awake, waiting for the panic to come. i never understood what it was like to have anxiety in the true sense. one of my friends from college had anxiety attacks and i tried to sympathize but i realize i had no idea what she was talking about until now.
so, what i have come to is this. i am going to a counselor on friday, and in general i have just started telling myself things repeatedly, even if i don't believe them. i think that is the weirdest thing about all of this. i can't convince myself of things that are true, like i am feeling better, and everything will be okay and soon be back to normal. i just feel so uneasy all of the time and it sucks. so i am putting my trust in god and asking for some peace in my life. and i am asking for all of your prayers and thoughts that i get through this soon. luckily i have an amazing boyfriend who is helping me out, and keeping in touch with my friends and family is quite helpful. i know i am not alone. and i know it will get better. and this is the first step, i am asking for help. so please help me with your thoughts and prayers.