fix you

trying to seperate what is real from what is fake, that is my main task these days. it is slow going. fake doesn't even have to be fake in the actual sense, rather, just not currently present. what is real is what is here in this minute. i am getting better in the sense that i have had real, amazing times in the past few weeks where at least for a few moments worries were not present. i have come to realize once again that i am so, so lucky to have what i have... an incredibly supportive family and boyfriend, a person whom i love more than i ever thought humanly possible. seriously, this boy is... a gift. i do not know where i would be without him, and i don't want to think about it. i am still enjoying things that i have always enjoyed: incredible music, junk food, sunny days (though they have been too far and few), snuggling, movies that make you think, being alive. i have lost a bit of motivation with regard to school but i am working on regaining it, ever so slowly it is coming back. i don't feel anywhere near as dark as i have in the past month and a half, and that is a good sign-- no, a great one. yet somewhere in the back of my mind i still feel something is off. i am too tired and achy and too emotional. it's so funny to lose perspective completely when you lose your point of comparison. i keep thinking, maybe i have always been this way? isn't that how it goes... the mind is a tricky, tricky thing. how much can you convince yourself of things that are not true leads me to wonder... is the truth the actual truth, or just something that we are convinced of? well, needless to say this is a road i do not need to go down right now. i have chained myself to positive thinking, though we are uneasy bedfellows, i think we are getting used to one another. relinquish control, breathe deep, and cherish every moment. that is what i am trying to do. oh, and praying... so please continue to pray with me and for me.