you have to admit, it's getting better

so, i think i am on the road to recovery, if that is what this can really be called. i'm not as afraid as i was a month ago, and that is a good thing. i know i am getting better when i think to myself that perhaps this was all a bunch of self-indulgent bullshit and why the hell are you having a quarter-life crisis when a) there is nothing wrong with your life, and b) there are people out there without jobs and homes and food and bigger things to worry about, and c) are you really so delusional to think that your life is so important that things in it might prove or disprove the existence of god? these thoughts are good, they are a return from the far away place i had been in, the one disconnected from the everyday reality of life. the reality that, though i had been absolutely convinced that i would die tomorrow, tomorrow always came, the sun always rose, and i still got out of bed and showered and life went on. i'm 22 years old, for god's sake, and i've been in good health for most of my life (touch wood), so there's really no reason to think that i'm going to drop dead tomorrow. not that it couldn't happen, because it could... but even if it were, there would be no way i could predict it, and hence it's not worth worrying about. that's not to say i'm completely over it... i'm still fretting about things that probably don't warrant fretting, but in general, it's getting better, much better.
i have even once again allowed myself the hubris of starting to think about the future. the bf and i are thinking of going to london for new year's; today i made another short list of places i'd like to apply for PhD programs; and i'm actually starting to realize that i have to get shit done for the end of the semester because it's coming up fast. so is my one year anniversary, and my 23rd birthday. milestones which we mark time by. but the weird thing is, those things on the calendar... next may 22nd, for example, my graduation from my MA program... those things do not become real until they are here. the future never exists, per se, and by the time it gets here, it's the present... and then it's gone. mindfuck, eh? we would love to prepare for every eventuality... think of it. we have something called LIFE insurance, for god's sake. as if there could ever be such a thing. truthfully, you can prepare for whatever but there's no guarantee it will happen the way you want it to.
i have no idea how i got off on this tangent, i suppose some things do happen the way we want them to. of course, i hope to marry z, i hope to be successful, i hope to one day have kids of my own and that my parents might live to become grandparents... but i doubt that my hoping has anything to do with whether or not it actually happens. but then again, what would life be without hope? we wouldn't really have anything to live for, in that case.
i wish i spent my time more wisely, although don't we all. but i feel like i waste so much time and i don't know where it all goes... lost into that irretrievable murky abyss of the past. we can't get it back, can't right things we did wrong or take back hurts we caused. all we can do is just live i guess. just keep living.