have you seen me lately?

out and in from sanity... most days i am okay, but it is still there: the nagging feeling that something is wrong. the good part is, it's no longer about my health, which is a relief. but now i feel like i'm shifting everything onto my relationship with z. i'm scared that our relationship is becoming platonic and that the romance is already fading away, a year into it. of course, i have plenty of evidence to point to the contrary... we just planned a new year's eve getaway for the two of us, for example. and i know a lot of it just has to do with me being overly anxious right now, because instead of relaxing and letting things happen, i have a tendency to overanalyze everything... and i do mean everything. when i'm doing something, i am always thinking about how that something makes me feel, and how i am feeling at that moment. it doesn't matter what it is, it could be sitting in class, it could be in bed with my boy, it could be talking to a professor. i'm always thinking about how things might go wrong.
it's not as bad as it sounds, i don't think other people really notice. i might seem a bit more spastic and awkward than i usually do, but it's not something to throw up a red flag over. lately i've been thinking that i know this is part of my personality and right now it just happens to be magnified. i went back and read over old journal entries and decided i was just as neurotic then, but i didn't really have real, scary things to be neurotic about, so that's why it is worse this time around. of course, it's all a matter of perspective and in three years i will probably look back on this and laugh at myself. indeed, i know i will. that's the tough part about writing journals: you have this permanent record of your stupidity. at the same time, though, i used to write everyday and i think i need to get back into it. it helps me get my feelings out, which i think would be helpful instead of trying to hide them. at this point i feel like it's become a burden to share my feelings with others... my parents, because they are afraid i'll go off the deep end, and my boy, because he has his own problems to worry about. he's been bearing the brunt of this, and it is a lot to ask of him. but if i try to not be emotional it always ends up biting me in the ass later on, and after a while i usually end up bursting into tears and then having a miserable day.
this actually doesn't seem this absurd thinking about it and writing it down. but i think the real problem is that for 22 years i was bottling things up, and when i found someone that i love and trust, i decided to open up, but everything has come spewing out all at once and there's no stopping it. so eventually the rush will subside and i'll have to find a different way to be. and i think that's what scares me. i am changing, i am becoming somebody new. this sounds stupid but i think this is the end of delayed adolescence or something. i was definitely a late bloomer emotionally. i was only becoming interested at 16 and 17 with what most kids go through when they're 12 or 13. don't get me wrong, i spent a good deal of ages 12-15 being a disaffected youth, but i wasn't really social at all. now i think i am hitting the same problem again.. in the late teenage years and early adulthood life is supposed to be a big party. yet i really don't have many close friends nearby other than my boyfriend. and he and i have plenty of fun together but we're basically old people. we go for walks, we go out to eat, we watch movies, and sleep in, and that is basically it. not that i have any problem with that. and i guess that's the thing: we are both content this way. of course, then any sane person would say if we are both content, there shouldn't be a problem. but i know for me there is always some underlying restlessness that will always be there. i will always be needlessly critical of things that are better left alone. but that's who i am and it's not going to change. i just have to learn to deal with it.