new calendar

somehow the days have been passing,
and the calendar is ready to be turned.
it all seems like the blink of an eye.
2006 seems like it should be further away,
i should be older and more responsible
wiser, have a future planned out.
and yet it's here, and some things are
not quite what i had planned.
most of all, there is a boy who i love
and who loves me back.
an unfinished thesis.
good grades, if the end of the semester
works out all right.
the end of graduate school beckons
an unknown destination too...
and maybe a ring.
things which i am not prepared for,
but that will happen anyway...
that is how the future comes,
whether we want it to or not,
ready or not.
so i resolve (while not making a resolution)
to stop wasting days on worries
and let things come as they may
let life wash over me like a wave
and as the fresh air fills my lungs
to breathe, to live, and love.

steady my soul and ease my worry

the end of the semester is coming, rolling on like life does. i have been waiting for it to be over, but it's funny, i don't look forward to time off now. because time off isn't really time off, it's stuff when i have more to do, people to see, things to catch up on. at least when i am in school i can blow everything else off.
my department christmas party is on thursday night and i considered not going. i didn't go to last year's party, i don't go to most department functions. but it was organized by one of the few people i would consider friends in the department, and he asked me if i was going. i couldn't really come up with an excuse not to, so i said i would at least stop by. truthfully, i hate department functions because they make me feel even more awkward than i normally do. i hate small talk, i am just horrible at it. and i have only written a few pages of my thesis, and i am behind on that, which means i don't want to run into my advisor. i don't have any clear plans for the future, and i don't feel like explaining why i am not applying to PhD programs this year.
*sigh* i don't like having to explain myself, i guess. i expect people to intuitively get me, and very few do. or maybe i just feel that way simply because i don't explain myself.
i don't really like to talk to people other than my friends. does that make sense? i am an introvert, i guess. and even though it's been a year and a half, i never really made any good friends in my own department. i feel disconnected from the whole thing. i think i missed college so much when i first got there that i didn't care. plus, i hung out with my roommate and his friends a lot because it was convenient and i got along with him well. then i met my boyfriend, and soon after, starting spending most of my free time with him. i am comfortable with that, for sure... but we are too alike sometimes. we are lazy homebodies and have to force ourselves to make friends and hang out with other people. it is hard to explain to extroverted people who take it as an insult, or can't understand why we just prefer hanging out with each other. and z can't even come to this dept party with me because he has to do something for work. so i don't want to go... but i feel like i have to go.
it's silly that i am nearly 23 and i still think so much about these things. i guess i have a very small comfort zone and i always will. but i have also learned that i have to push myself outside my comfort zone if i ever want to experience anything new and different. i might have a chance to go to venezuela for the word social forum in january... and part of me is scared to go because i wouldn't really know anyone i was there with, and my spanish is awful. and, ridiculously, i don't want to leave my boy for a week, after i will have been away from him for almost 2 weeks at christmas time. of course, logically i know that i should go on the trip as long as i can work out the logistics, but i have to push myself to do it.
it's odd... all my life i've imagined these great adventures yet i still have to force myself to partake in them.
sometimes i wish things were easier.
i skipped therapy today. i think i might stop going. i don't really like my therapist and i don't feel like going is all that useful. my anxiety has gotten a lot better, but i don't think that has much, if anything to do with therapy... i don't know. i hate all the stupid platitudes of therapy. it's like i try to come up with something to say, and it usually is met with some sort of response like "it's good that you noticed that." or "why do you think that?" all of the stuff you would expect really. i guess no one can make you talk about things you don't want to talk about, and that is the bottom line of it all.
to me, a lot of things are better left unsaid. life keeps rolling on, either way.
i haven't been sad lately. i've been pretty okay. and that is really nice, you know? no complaints.
i feel all right. and that is enough.

oh yes. what i really opened this entry to mention is that ryan adams & death cab for cutie have been in constant rotation lately. i think i forgot for a while how much music means to me, and now i am remembering again... it really helps me deal with my emotions in a positive way. so yay for that.