fix you

trying to seperate what is real from what is fake, that is my main task these days. it is slow going. fake doesn't even have to be fake in the actual sense, rather, just not currently present. what is real is what is here in this minute. i am getting better in the sense that i have had real, amazing times in the past few weeks where at least for a few moments worries were not present. i have come to realize once again that i am so, so lucky to have what i have... an incredibly supportive family and boyfriend, a person whom i love more than i ever thought humanly possible. seriously, this boy is... a gift. i do not know where i would be without him, and i don't want to think about it. i am still enjoying things that i have always enjoyed: incredible music, junk food, sunny days (though they have been too far and few), snuggling, movies that make you think, being alive. i have lost a bit of motivation with regard to school but i am working on regaining it, ever so slowly it is coming back. i don't feel anywhere near as dark as i have in the past month and a half, and that is a good sign-- no, a great one. yet somewhere in the back of my mind i still feel something is off. i am too tired and achy and too emotional. it's so funny to lose perspective completely when you lose your point of comparison. i keep thinking, maybe i have always been this way? isn't that how it goes... the mind is a tricky, tricky thing. how much can you convince yourself of things that are not true leads me to wonder... is the truth the actual truth, or just something that we are convinced of? well, needless to say this is a road i do not need to go down right now. i have chained myself to positive thinking, though we are uneasy bedfellows, i think we are getting used to one another. relinquish control, breathe deep, and cherish every moment. that is what i am trying to do. oh, and praying... so please continue to pray with me and for me.

well, here it is, here is what i have been thinking lately. i have become convinced that i am going to die. obviously, you might think, we are all going to die one day. but i was sick a couple of weeks ago, really sick, and since i am never a good patient to begin with and this sickness was something i had never had before, i kind of lost it. truthfully, for some reason i have been thinking about death a lot this summer, and how much it absolutely petrifies me. i was never really afraid of it before, perhaps because i was never truly contemplating what it meant, and now, now i am terrified. i have become terrified of everything. every pain is a death pang, every possibility is obviously going to turn into the worst-case scenario. i am in bad shape, although, the fact that i am writing this means (hopefully) that i am on the way to getting better. i am normally an anxious person, but not so much that it controls my life. i do check and double check locks, worry excessively about my relationship, and get stressed out generally. but now, it has started to interfere with my life on a daily basis and i am so fucking sick of feeling this way. i don't know how it got to this point, but it did and i have cried every day for the past three weeks. i can't sleep and that makes me even more anxious, because for my entire life sleep has been my refuge, and it has been taken away. oh, i sleep, but now it's sort of half-awake, waiting for the panic to come. i never understood what it was like to have anxiety in the true sense. one of my friends from college had anxiety attacks and i tried to sympathize but i realize i had no idea what she was talking about until now.
so, what i have come to is this. i am going to a counselor on friday, and in general i have just started telling myself things repeatedly, even if i don't believe them. i think that is the weirdest thing about all of this. i can't convince myself of things that are true, like i am feeling better, and everything will be okay and soon be back to normal. i just feel so uneasy all of the time and it sucks. so i am putting my trust in god and asking for some peace in my life. and i am asking for all of your prayers and thoughts that i get through this soon. luckily i have an amazing boyfriend who is helping me out, and keeping in touch with my friends and family is quite helpful. i know i am not alone. and i know it will get better. and this is the first step, i am asking for help. so please help me with your thoughts and prayers.