monster ballads and the stations of the cross

so, my level of busy-ness has hit proportions that it hasn't reached since college, when i had full days of classes and meetings and friendships. now my time is consumed by job interviews, projects for my internship, and the last paper of my days as a master's student. in between all of this i crammed a trip to yale, a weekend with my parents, and a few nights of respite with my boy. it is good to be busy because it keeps my mind off of things that worry me. i hate job interviews, and all of the anxiety that comes with them, the uncertainty of the future. if i get one job which i've applied for i will be working there in two weeks from now and my life will be completely different than it is today. i don't have a problem with that necessarily, but i get overwhelmed thinking about all the options, all the courses which my life might take. it's times like these when i miss trusting god automatically. i haven't dealt with my crisis of faith adequately, and this bothers me. but it is also a touchy subject since the person i love most believes different things than i do (or once did), and i can't help feeling that me doubting implies rejection, or a shaky foundation, of my beliefs. in other words, i am standing by my faith out of loyalty. and that doesn't really make sense, but i am doing it.
i don't know how i got onto that subject. what i came here to say is that i have exposed a flaw in my thinking process in the past couple of weeks. for some reason i tend to view people as insiduous, even people i love. i think that words which come from their best intentions are actually an attack on me, fundamentally. i had been having this problem in the few arguments that i get into with z, but it all clicked into place when i got angry with my mom when she was visiting for something she said. i later realized that i wrongly interpreted it, and that the words came from a much different place than where i thought they originated. they came from love, not from doubt. and i realized in a sort of slow-moving epiphany that most of the arguments i get into with people i love occur because i think that those people doubt me but in reality they do not. and if they do doubt my thoughts, they do not doubt me as a person... rather their aim is to help me think more clearly and to be the best version of myself that i can be. it is a strange position to realize that i have been wrong in almost all the times i have felt so wronged. i am not quite sure what to do about it, since a similar situation has yet to arise where i might have the chance to step back from my anger and truly examine someone's words which initially seem hurtful. but perhaps there needs to be a more fundamental change, in which i view the world not as against, but with me.
have i learned to trust that much yet?


p.s. i think everyone should listen to josh ritter. (title of this entry comes from one of his songs)